Change...

Song of the day: Revolution by The Beatles

Ever since I started watching One Tree Hill I have felt the need to expand my music horizons. I love all kinds of music (well except for the violent kind or the stuff that sounds like vomit through a microphone) but I have always limited what I chose to listen to, to my favorite genres. Each episode I find myself tapping along to the music or intently listening for the meaningful lyrics. I love good lyrics. Non-lyrical music is fine of course, but I feel like lyrics are what tie the music together. They tell a story, explain a feeling-create a feeling...
"We all want to change the world..." -The Beatles
There are very few people, I think, who don't want to change the world. Or change anything for that matter. However, in my opinion, almost everyone would like to change something about the world they live in. Me? I would love to change my career, and my location. If you know anything about me, you know that I love to act. I love to perform and entertain. If it were possible for me (which someday I hope it to be) to have a career making movies, commercials, live performances etc. I would be living a dream.
And for the change I crave in my location...
I find the following to be incredibly pathetic but enough of a breakthrough to share.... I think I now know why high school students are so attached to shows like One Tree Hill... The OC, Dawson's Creek etc. It is the same reason I am currently attached. I feel so disconnected living literally half a world away from my friends and family that the characters of this show make me feel like I have friends again. Pathetic right? The show is directed in a way that allows you a series of intimate glimpses into each character's life, glimpses that not even the other characters get. You care so much about these fabricated lives that when one perishes or simply gets their heart broken, you feel it too. It is a big part of my twihard life as well... my obsession to the Twilight series. I was a guest at Bella and Edward's wedding. I cried when her father got choked up and she said goodbye. I knew what was coming. It's a part of our minds that often goes unexplored. If we were never to read fictional books, autobiographies or watch movies-we very well could be missing our escape. Toward the end of WWII and during the great depression, movie theaters did considerably well. Movies were one of the only ways people could forget about their lives and hardships for an hour or two and get lost in a story. If you look at it that way, it no longer has as much of a pathetic nature as one once thought. You can be sure, in my case, it is most definitely my escape. What am I trying to avoid? The void. The lack of emotional connection, the absence of those I care most about, the inability to enjoy a sunset-or sunrise for that matter, because I am alone. There are times that I enjoy the solitude. A quiet, brisk, fall day curled up in my favorite chair, reading an incredible book with Jake at my feet and hot cider close at hand. Those moments are short lived. The knowledge that I am alone because I have to be, not because I want to be, taints the situation. Besides the fact that I live in a place with 9 children most of which play loudly in the stairwell, their screams and screeches echoing into my home while the adults they belong to smoke outside... I say 'outside' relatively. Living on a military base, it is against regulations to smoke within a certain distance from a building (usually 50 feet). I am allergic to cigarette smoke and even if I wasn't, as a non-smoker and health freak, it would drive me up the wall to no end. They stand in the doorway of the hall to smoke so they don't have to face the entirety of the cold, rain, snow etc. I understand their logic, but it's one of the most selfish things to do in my opinion. Mainly because I have to walk through their smoke (while avoiding their spit piles since most of them spit while smoking... reasons still unbeknownst to me) to get to my house and while sitting quietly, minding my own business I smell it as if they were smoking right next to me! All windows and doors closed, on the third floor, with dinner in the oven... absolutely disgusting.
*Steps down from soapbox*
None of my bad habits directly effect those I live next to. My sweet tooth only effects me. Well, me and my jeans. I realize I have my faults. I realize that when I had 4 roommates in college, my cleanliness and living standards were considered pushy and unrealistic to some although welcomed and necessary to others. However, we all got along. We worked through problems and talked it out. Came to agreements and compromises. Never, before now, have I lived in a place that ridiculed me for being who I am... and especially for the traits most people are grateful for. It comes as a shock that my intelligence is mistaken for "talking down to" and/or "belittling" people. Even when context cannot be skewed negatively. It truly amazes me that my healthy living lifestyle is "considering" myself "better than everyone else". That when I take cookies and cupcakes to the neighbors, or bring a nice gift to welcome their new child I am "showing off". Is it really my fault that, even though I was fully aware I was invited solely for the purpose of more gifts, I brought a really pretty diaper cake with beautiful ribbons that I took the time to make by hand? I refuse to apologize for others' shortcomings. Is it my fault that almost everyone else brought unwrapped packages of diapers? I don't think so. It's hard to remind yourself that they don't matter when they are the only human contact I get on some days.
In any case... I want to move.
I suppose change is a daily thing. It can be a choice or an inevitable consequence. It can be welcomed, scorned, good, bad, ugly... I think change isn't really a big deal. In my opinion the weight of change is in how we react to it. Yes, my whole life got ripped at the seams a time or two, but I just got out my sewing kit and starting making the most of it. I get down some days. Today... I CHOOSE to ignore the negative... focus on the great things I have in my life. I have a husband who loves me and hates being here as much as I do. I have an incredible dog that is so patient and loving, gentle and kind. I have nice furnishings surrounding me and photos of great memories I've been allowed. I have an incredible God-fearing family back home. I have friends that I've known almost all of my life. I am thankful for this experience, even if it is not always enjoyable. The birth control alone this stairwell offers is incredible ;) The drive to live better. It is enough.